Life Journey Update

I'm laying here flat on my back on a heating pad, in bed. But hey! I have an update for you! I went off the adipex for a month, and for whatever reason, I began to lose weight! I did restart the adipex last week, and am down to 204.6 as of this morning. It's not a lot, but it's still a loss. 

The last couple of days have been bad pain-wise though, and my POTS symptoms have been somewhat out of control. Regardless I did some gentle Yoga on my back tonight as part of a 14 day challenge through MyYogaWorks. I was pretty much in tears by the time I finished. Not because I was in pain, but because I was happy to finally find something I could do, and I didn't feel like I was dying! 

Anyway, I will update as I can. As tired as I've been lately, it's been all I can do to type, and then go back and correct my typos. 😋

Frustration in the land of Chronic Despair

Someone needs to create a diet/fitness/weight loss app/program for people that have chronic pain or illness and can't go balls to the wall when working out, needs more time to recover from ANY kind of work out (we are talking a day or two of rest from walking slowly, even short distances) and that can dedicate a good portion of the app to not just diet, but also chronic pain/illness friendly workouts. 

In the last 3 years I have easily gained 40 pounds due to being unable to do much of any kind of workout, including walking at a brisk pace for an extended amount of time, for any length of time without being down for the count for 3-4 days afterward. I can maintain that workout schedule for 1 to 1 1/2 weeks before my body crashes, and that is walking 3 to 4 times MAX in one week. It feels great while I am doing it, and for that week, but then my body shuts down with a giant screw you.

Eating "well" gets me nowhere either. I can eat anywhere between 1000 and 1200 cals a day and maintain or even gain weight. Same if I eat 2000 cals a day. 

I drink mostly water, with (at most) one cherry coke a day. But... It seems I get heartburn/reflux even when I'm eating small amounts of "regular" food. Nothing acidic, and nothing spicy. Water even causes reflux at times. 

I've been on Adipex (weight loss drug, prescription) for two months now, and have lost 4-6 pounds, all in the first month. The doctor wanted to switch me to Saxenda, but insurance won't cover it, and even WITH the manufacturer's savings card it is $977 a MONTH!!!!!  I simply don't have that kind of money to spend. 

So.... I'm at a loss, and feel completely defeated. I want to feel good again, AND feel good about myself again. I feel like that is never going to happen. 

Welcome to the inner dialogue from a frustrated woman saddled with Chronic Pain. 

Weekly Update - Friday June 26, 2015

This has been a rough week.  From the dishwasher breaking down completely, to the cats killing my limited edition pumpkin candle holder (RIP) to waking up this morning with high hopes, only to be disappointed in my progress (or lack thereof.)

I lost .2 pounds, lost half an inch, but gained in all my other areas.  I know, a loss is a loss....  but...  I just don't get it.  I'm frustrated, I'm disheartened, I'm just....  I just don't know anymore. 

I am going to continue on the med, of course, but I'm beginning to think nothing is going to work for me.  I am going to keep on keeping on. 

I'm going to try to cut back on my carbs a bit, and see if that helps.  I need more protein in my diet anyway.  I was hoping for a more positive update this week, but....  it is what it is.

I think I may change it up a bit though, and weigh every day this up coming week so I can track it a bit more closely.

Musings

Just a quick observation before my weekly post tomorrow.  This Adipex makes me VERY irritable and extremely impatient.  I have no patience already, but even less now, for ridiculous antics, pointless arguments, and the intolerance of society at large.  I just don't understand why people are the way they are.  Things have been breaking around my house left and right the last week, and it seems anything I touch just.....  devolves into utter chaos.  So...  I have vowed to take a Facebook hiatus indefinitely, and I am going to touch and do nothing until the planets are in a different freaking alignment and this BS clears. 

*DEEEEEEEEP BREATH*

Now, on to finish my day.  I'm not making dinner, one of the kids are doing it.

Fighting with the Shadow

I can feel her scratching below the surface, trying to claw her way out, this Shadow inside me, that wants to ruin all my progress.  The one that wants to sabotage all my efforts.  WHY?  Why does she want me to live in misery?  Why does she want me to continue being sick and unhealthy?  Is it because she is scared of anything other than what she already knows?  The pain, the illness, the depression and the darkness?

Do I let her out?  Do I welcome her into the fold, allowing her to exist within me, but not control my actions?  Do I try to banish her into oblivion and push on, confronting my demons, and thereby freeing myself to be the woman I am striving to be?

This weekend was difficult, what with it being Father's Day Sunday, and all the amazing food our family always has at get togethers. I didn't stuff myself, but what I did eat was still too much. I love desserts, and don't think it is healthy to deny myself.  But should I? Am I doomed to live a life with no desserts? Is there a happy medium, or is it cut and dry? 

Anyway, the REAL victory that came from this weekend is that I am noticing that my jeans are fitting better. Normally I hate wearing jeans because they cut into my waistline. For the first time in a long time, my jeans fit comfortably now. Enough that I don't immediately change out of them once I get home from an outing!  I am thrilled with that. Also, I have stuck to my plan of not weighing myself until Friday.  

Also, my eldest daughter and I went for a walk tonight when it started cooling off a bit. Tomorrow I will do some exercises on my Pilates machine. I truly hope that this week yields some great results too!

Good night everyone, see you on Friday!!

One Week Down!

So, I started the Adipex a week ago now (today is day 8, so I'm starting my second week.) I have noticed a HUGE improvement in my energy levels, in what I crave, and what I don't, and even a slight improvement in my resting heart rate. The first few nights I worked out on my AeroPilates reformer, which allows me to do squats and various other leg exercises I would not normally be able to do, due to the stress it would put on my knees. I didn't do any arm exercises, because I had had the neck procedure done Thursday afternoon, so I wanted to give my neck and shoulders enough time to recover from that. I did notice a more significant weight loss those days, but I'm not sure if it was due to the shedding of water weight, or if it was a result of adding the workout to my day. The last few days, I have not worked out on the machine, and have seen the weight loss continue, but seem to level out and even yo-yo a bit. Starting Monday (6-22) I will begin walking again, every other day. I will also add the Pilates machine back in, and begin arm exercises as well as continue the leg exercises. 

The only negative side effect of Adipex that I have found so far, is the HORRIBLE dry mouth it gives me.  I can drink 200+ ounces of water in a day and STILL have dry mouth.  I keep hard candy nearby to help with that when I just can't stand it anymore.  I don't eat near as much, and don't drink pop anymore, due to not being able to tolerate caffeine on this med.  The addition of caffeine does make my heart rate jump to over 100 at rest.  Sweet things seem to taste...  richer, almost more sweet than normal, so I don't eat as much of anything sweet, like I used to.  It is almost like this medicine is allowing me to slow down and actually taste my meals, rather than inhale them because I am so hungry.  I had forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy my meals. 

It is important to note here, that Adipex may seem like a miracle pill, that allows you to lose weight without changing your lifestyle.  It is imperative that you change things, in order to continue the weight loss, and to maintain once you have lost the weight.  It isn't easy, but it needs to be done.  I have been reducing portion sizes, choosing healthier foods, and trying to incorporate eating clean, in order to make a transition to eating clean all the time, instead of relying on processed foods in order to create meals.  My body has to "re-learn" portion sizes, and get rid of the addiction to "junk" food.  I have done this once before, so I know I can do it again. 

If you are struggling with weight, and are unable to lose weight on your own, I strongly recommend visiting your doctor to see what your options are for help.  But again, I stress that this is not a miracle pill.  It can help you lose the weight, but it won't help you keep it off, you have to learn better habits along with the medicine, in order for it to be effective in the long run.  If you struggle with an eating disorder, please seek additional help, in order to be most successful.  Now, on to the stats for the week.

At the two doctor's appointments last week, I weighed in at 220ish.  The night before I started the Adipex, I weighed in at 217.6 pounds, this morning I weighed in at 211.0 pounds.  It is a significant amount of weight. 

I have also lost inches.  Not many, but hey....  inches in a week is amazing.  You have to keep a realistic view when it comes to this.  I am not on the Biggest Loser, and 1-2 pounds a week is a success.  I am thrilled with these results, and can't wait to see what next week brings! 

Hope, Fear and Shame

These are some of the strongest emotions one can possibly feel. So I am going to share my story with everyone here, because I have a single thread of hope I'm grasping onto, fear that it won't work for me, and shame that brought me to where I am at now.  Let's start with the shame.

I currently weigh 212.4, but 4 days ago I weighed 217.6 pounds.  These pictures were taken today and I am ashamed of the way I look. I know part of it has been beyond my control, but that doesn't take away the shame. 

This is THE biggest I have ever been in my life.  Even while pregnant with any 4 of my kids.  I am ashamed, disgusted and for a long time I have felt completely helpless and hopeless.  A combination of pain that keeps me from being able to work out like a normal person, the medications that help to control that pain and complacency, or being afraid to rock the boat and even TRY to work out most days has kept me from attaining my goal of weight loss.  This is even with a drastically reduced diet (1200 calories minimum) and trying to walk on a regular basis.  I was STILL gaining weight. 

Tuesday June 9th I talked to my pain management team about trying to lose weight.  I got choked up, and she suggested that I talk to my primary care doctor about either getting a referral to a weight management clinic, or if they were able to give me something to try that. 

Now hope comes into play.  Wednesday June 10th I saw my primary care team, and she agreed that I needed help, and prescribed me Adipex 37.5 mg.  I picked up the prescription the morning of Thursday June 11th, had a procedure later that afternoon and took my first 1/2 dose of Adipex afterwards.  I weighed myself that night before bed, and I was at 217.4. The next morning when I woke up I was 213.6 pounds.  Now...  I understand how water weight works, and assume it was just that as a jump start.  This morning I woke up and was 212.4 pounds.  For the first time in a long time, I feel hope.  But.... I also feel fear.  Is it too good to be true?  The fact that I am finally losing weight?  What if it stops, and I can't ever lose this weight??  Yes, I am afraid, but I also have hope.  As I continue losing weight, I am hoping my pain is reduced, and that I will be able to start working out consistently again, without having my body crash a week or two into it. 

So, I am laid bare for all to see, and somehow, I hope my journey helps someone else find their voice, and confidence to do something for themself.  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  I was afraid for so long, telling myself that I was just lazy and needed to work harder, that obviously I was doing something wrong, and that was why I was still gaining weight.  Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I broke down and decided to ask for help.  I am SO glad I did. 

I will be updating this blog weekly, if not more often.  I will take pictures to document as well.  Perhaps monthly for the pictures though.  After this first week on the pill, I will only weigh myself on Fridays, instead of every day.  I will judge my weight loss based on how I feel, and how my clothes fit. 

I hope you are as excited as I am for this journey!