Hope, Fear and Shame

These are some of the strongest emotions one can possibly feel. So I am going to share my story with everyone here, because I have a single thread of hope I'm grasping onto, fear that it won't work for me, and shame that brought me to where I am at now.  Let's start with the shame.

I currently weigh 212.4, but 4 days ago I weighed 217.6 pounds.  These pictures were taken today and I am ashamed of the way I look. I know part of it has been beyond my control, but that doesn't take away the shame. 

This is THE biggest I have ever been in my life.  Even while pregnant with any 4 of my kids.  I am ashamed, disgusted and for a long time I have felt completely helpless and hopeless.  A combination of pain that keeps me from being able to work out like a normal person, the medications that help to control that pain and complacency, or being afraid to rock the boat and even TRY to work out most days has kept me from attaining my goal of weight loss.  This is even with a drastically reduced diet (1200 calories minimum) and trying to walk on a regular basis.  I was STILL gaining weight. 

Tuesday June 9th I talked to my pain management team about trying to lose weight.  I got choked up, and she suggested that I talk to my primary care doctor about either getting a referral to a weight management clinic, or if they were able to give me something to try that. 

Now hope comes into play.  Wednesday June 10th I saw my primary care team, and she agreed that I needed help, and prescribed me Adipex 37.5 mg.  I picked up the prescription the morning of Thursday June 11th, had a procedure later that afternoon and took my first 1/2 dose of Adipex afterwards.  I weighed myself that night before bed, and I was at 217.4. The next morning when I woke up I was 213.6 pounds.  Now...  I understand how water weight works, and assume it was just that as a jump start.  This morning I woke up and was 212.4 pounds.  For the first time in a long time, I feel hope.  But.... I also feel fear.  Is it too good to be true?  The fact that I am finally losing weight?  What if it stops, and I can't ever lose this weight??  Yes, I am afraid, but I also have hope.  As I continue losing weight, I am hoping my pain is reduced, and that I will be able to start working out consistently again, without having my body crash a week or two into it. 

So, I am laid bare for all to see, and somehow, I hope my journey helps someone else find their voice, and confidence to do something for themself.  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  I was afraid for so long, telling myself that I was just lazy and needed to work harder, that obviously I was doing something wrong, and that was why I was still gaining weight.  Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I broke down and decided to ask for help.  I am SO glad I did. 

I will be updating this blog weekly, if not more often.  I will take pictures to document as well.  Perhaps monthly for the pictures though.  After this first week on the pill, I will only weigh myself on Fridays, instead of every day.  I will judge my weight loss based on how I feel, and how my clothes fit. 

I hope you are as excited as I am for this journey!