Life Journey Update

I'm laying here flat on my back on a heating pad, in bed. But hey! I have an update for you! I went off the adipex for a month, and for whatever reason, I began to lose weight! I did restart the adipex last week, and am down to 204.6 as of this morning. It's not a lot, but it's still a loss. 

The last couple of days have been bad pain-wise though, and my POTS symptoms have been somewhat out of control. Regardless I did some gentle Yoga on my back tonight as part of a 14 day challenge through MyYogaWorks. I was pretty much in tears by the time I finished. Not because I was in pain, but because I was happy to finally find something I could do, and I didn't feel like I was dying! 

Anyway, I will update as I can. As tired as I've been lately, it's been all I can do to type, and then go back and correct my typos. 😋

Frustration in the land of Chronic Despair

Someone needs to create a diet/fitness/weight loss app/program for people that have chronic pain or illness and can't go balls to the wall when working out, needs more time to recover from ANY kind of work out (we are talking a day or two of rest from walking slowly, even short distances) and that can dedicate a good portion of the app to not just diet, but also chronic pain/illness friendly workouts. 

In the last 3 years I have easily gained 40 pounds due to being unable to do much of any kind of workout, including walking at a brisk pace for an extended amount of time, for any length of time without being down for the count for 3-4 days afterward. I can maintain that workout schedule for 1 to 1 1/2 weeks before my body crashes, and that is walking 3 to 4 times MAX in one week. It feels great while I am doing it, and for that week, but then my body shuts down with a giant screw you.

Eating "well" gets me nowhere either. I can eat anywhere between 1000 and 1200 cals a day and maintain or even gain weight. Same if I eat 2000 cals a day. 

I drink mostly water, with (at most) one cherry coke a day. But... It seems I get heartburn/reflux even when I'm eating small amounts of "regular" food. Nothing acidic, and nothing spicy. Water even causes reflux at times. 

I've been on Adipex (weight loss drug, prescription) for two months now, and have lost 4-6 pounds, all in the first month. The doctor wanted to switch me to Saxenda, but insurance won't cover it, and even WITH the manufacturer's savings card it is $977 a MONTH!!!!!  I simply don't have that kind of money to spend. 

So.... I'm at a loss, and feel completely defeated. I want to feel good again, AND feel good about myself again. I feel like that is never going to happen. 

Welcome to the inner dialogue from a frustrated woman saddled with Chronic Pain. 

Weekly Update - Friday June 26, 2015

This has been a rough week.  From the dishwasher breaking down completely, to the cats killing my limited edition pumpkin candle holder (RIP) to waking up this morning with high hopes, only to be disappointed in my progress (or lack thereof.)

I lost .2 pounds, lost half an inch, but gained in all my other areas.  I know, a loss is a loss....  but...  I just don't get it.  I'm frustrated, I'm disheartened, I'm just....  I just don't know anymore. 

I am going to continue on the med, of course, but I'm beginning to think nothing is going to work for me.  I am going to keep on keeping on. 

I'm going to try to cut back on my carbs a bit, and see if that helps.  I need more protein in my diet anyway.  I was hoping for a more positive update this week, but....  it is what it is.

I think I may change it up a bit though, and weigh every day this up coming week so I can track it a bit more closely.

Musings

Just a quick observation before my weekly post tomorrow.  This Adipex makes me VERY irritable and extremely impatient.  I have no patience already, but even less now, for ridiculous antics, pointless arguments, and the intolerance of society at large.  I just don't understand why people are the way they are.  Things have been breaking around my house left and right the last week, and it seems anything I touch just.....  devolves into utter chaos.  So...  I have vowed to take a Facebook hiatus indefinitely, and I am going to touch and do nothing until the planets are in a different freaking alignment and this BS clears. 

*DEEEEEEEEP BREATH*

Now, on to finish my day.  I'm not making dinner, one of the kids are doing it.

Fighting with the Shadow

I can feel her scratching below the surface, trying to claw her way out, this Shadow inside me, that wants to ruin all my progress.  The one that wants to sabotage all my efforts.  WHY?  Why does she want me to live in misery?  Why does she want me to continue being sick and unhealthy?  Is it because she is scared of anything other than what she already knows?  The pain, the illness, the depression and the darkness?

Do I let her out?  Do I welcome her into the fold, allowing her to exist within me, but not control my actions?  Do I try to banish her into oblivion and push on, confronting my demons, and thereby freeing myself to be the woman I am striving to be?

This weekend was difficult, what with it being Father's Day Sunday, and all the amazing food our family always has at get togethers. I didn't stuff myself, but what I did eat was still too much. I love desserts, and don't think it is healthy to deny myself.  But should I? Am I doomed to live a life with no desserts? Is there a happy medium, or is it cut and dry? 

Anyway, the REAL victory that came from this weekend is that I am noticing that my jeans are fitting better. Normally I hate wearing jeans because they cut into my waistline. For the first time in a long time, my jeans fit comfortably now. Enough that I don't immediately change out of them once I get home from an outing!  I am thrilled with that. Also, I have stuck to my plan of not weighing myself until Friday.  

Also, my eldest daughter and I went for a walk tonight when it started cooling off a bit. Tomorrow I will do some exercises on my Pilates machine. I truly hope that this week yields some great results too!

Good night everyone, see you on Friday!!

One Week Down!

So, I started the Adipex a week ago now (today is day 8, so I'm starting my second week.) I have noticed a HUGE improvement in my energy levels, in what I crave, and what I don't, and even a slight improvement in my resting heart rate. The first few nights I worked out on my AeroPilates reformer, which allows me to do squats and various other leg exercises I would not normally be able to do, due to the stress it would put on my knees. I didn't do any arm exercises, because I had had the neck procedure done Thursday afternoon, so I wanted to give my neck and shoulders enough time to recover from that. I did notice a more significant weight loss those days, but I'm not sure if it was due to the shedding of water weight, or if it was a result of adding the workout to my day. The last few days, I have not worked out on the machine, and have seen the weight loss continue, but seem to level out and even yo-yo a bit. Starting Monday (6-22) I will begin walking again, every other day. I will also add the Pilates machine back in, and begin arm exercises as well as continue the leg exercises. 

The only negative side effect of Adipex that I have found so far, is the HORRIBLE dry mouth it gives me.  I can drink 200+ ounces of water in a day and STILL have dry mouth.  I keep hard candy nearby to help with that when I just can't stand it anymore.  I don't eat near as much, and don't drink pop anymore, due to not being able to tolerate caffeine on this med.  The addition of caffeine does make my heart rate jump to over 100 at rest.  Sweet things seem to taste...  richer, almost more sweet than normal, so I don't eat as much of anything sweet, like I used to.  It is almost like this medicine is allowing me to slow down and actually taste my meals, rather than inhale them because I am so hungry.  I had forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy my meals. 

It is important to note here, that Adipex may seem like a miracle pill, that allows you to lose weight without changing your lifestyle.  It is imperative that you change things, in order to continue the weight loss, and to maintain once you have lost the weight.  It isn't easy, but it needs to be done.  I have been reducing portion sizes, choosing healthier foods, and trying to incorporate eating clean, in order to make a transition to eating clean all the time, instead of relying on processed foods in order to create meals.  My body has to "re-learn" portion sizes, and get rid of the addiction to "junk" food.  I have done this once before, so I know I can do it again. 

If you are struggling with weight, and are unable to lose weight on your own, I strongly recommend visiting your doctor to see what your options are for help.  But again, I stress that this is not a miracle pill.  It can help you lose the weight, but it won't help you keep it off, you have to learn better habits along with the medicine, in order for it to be effective in the long run.  If you struggle with an eating disorder, please seek additional help, in order to be most successful.  Now, on to the stats for the week.

At the two doctor's appointments last week, I weighed in at 220ish.  The night before I started the Adipex, I weighed in at 217.6 pounds, this morning I weighed in at 211.0 pounds.  It is a significant amount of weight. 

I have also lost inches.  Not many, but hey....  inches in a week is amazing.  You have to keep a realistic view when it comes to this.  I am not on the Biggest Loser, and 1-2 pounds a week is a success.  I am thrilled with these results, and can't wait to see what next week brings! 

Hope, Fear and Shame

These are some of the strongest emotions one can possibly feel. So I am going to share my story with everyone here, because I have a single thread of hope I'm grasping onto, fear that it won't work for me, and shame that brought me to where I am at now.  Let's start with the shame.

I currently weigh 212.4, but 4 days ago I weighed 217.6 pounds.  These pictures were taken today and I am ashamed of the way I look. I know part of it has been beyond my control, but that doesn't take away the shame. 

This is THE biggest I have ever been in my life.  Even while pregnant with any 4 of my kids.  I am ashamed, disgusted and for a long time I have felt completely helpless and hopeless.  A combination of pain that keeps me from being able to work out like a normal person, the medications that help to control that pain and complacency, or being afraid to rock the boat and even TRY to work out most days has kept me from attaining my goal of weight loss.  This is even with a drastically reduced diet (1200 calories minimum) and trying to walk on a regular basis.  I was STILL gaining weight. 

Tuesday June 9th I talked to my pain management team about trying to lose weight.  I got choked up, and she suggested that I talk to my primary care doctor about either getting a referral to a weight management clinic, or if they were able to give me something to try that. 

Now hope comes into play.  Wednesday June 10th I saw my primary care team, and she agreed that I needed help, and prescribed me Adipex 37.5 mg.  I picked up the prescription the morning of Thursday June 11th, had a procedure later that afternoon and took my first 1/2 dose of Adipex afterwards.  I weighed myself that night before bed, and I was at 217.4. The next morning when I woke up I was 213.6 pounds.  Now...  I understand how water weight works, and assume it was just that as a jump start.  This morning I woke up and was 212.4 pounds.  For the first time in a long time, I feel hope.  But.... I also feel fear.  Is it too good to be true?  The fact that I am finally losing weight?  What if it stops, and I can't ever lose this weight??  Yes, I am afraid, but I also have hope.  As I continue losing weight, I am hoping my pain is reduced, and that I will be able to start working out consistently again, without having my body crash a week or two into it. 

So, I am laid bare for all to see, and somehow, I hope my journey helps someone else find their voice, and confidence to do something for themself.  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  I was afraid for so long, telling myself that I was just lazy and needed to work harder, that obviously I was doing something wrong, and that was why I was still gaining weight.  Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I broke down and decided to ask for help.  I am SO glad I did. 

I will be updating this blog weekly, if not more often.  I will take pictures to document as well.  Perhaps monthly for the pictures though.  After this first week on the pill, I will only weigh myself on Fridays, instead of every day.  I will judge my weight loss based on how I feel, and how my clothes fit. 

I hope you are as excited as I am for this journey!

Resting Bitch Face

Today's #fatselfiechallenge is to take a picture of my resting bitch face. I know this is going to be a difficult one for me because I don't do resting bitch face very well. So here is my best attempt!

#fatselfiechallenge

So... a friend of mine posted this challenge from another woman's tumblr account. (I don't do tumblr, so I'm not really sure how it all works.) Anyway, it is a 30 day photo challenge meant to celebrate yourself, your body, everything.  It's meant to promote confidence for the overweight in the world.  I think it is geared mostly towards women, but it can be done for men too.  So, here are the rules direct from her tumblr (also linked below.)

In order to boost the amount of pictures floating around in the ‘fat selfie’ tag, I decided to create this 30 day fat selfie challenge! Feel free to join in at any point, I hope this inspires lots of people to take selfies and show themselves a little bit of love!
THE RULES:
-Start whenever you want! There’s no time limit, and even if you miss a couple days just jump back in where you left off! This is about promoting self love and learning to love taking pictures of yourself, so there’s no pressure.
-This challenge is open to people of every gender, orientation and race!
-Either submit your selfies directly to me here, or post them to your own blog under the tags #fuckyeahfatselfies, #fatselfiechallenge, #fatselfie or #30daysoffatselfies! I’ll be checking these tags daily for fabulous selfies to reblog and showcase on this blog and on my personal blog fattyforever
-Please be kind and respectful to every participant of this challenge. This is a self love learning process, so be supportive! Rude and hurtful comments will not be tolerated, and anyone found doing so will be given an embarrassing shout out and then will be blacklisted.
-Follow fuckyeahfatselfies to see the submissions and showcase selfies!
-Help others discover this challenge by liking and reblogging this post.
SUBMIT     FOLLOW
30 DAYS OF FAT SELFIES:
Day One : No make up/No filter 
Day Two : Resting Bitch Face
Day Three : Outdoor Glam
Day Four :  You & Your Pet(s) 
Day Five :  Your Feet 
Day Six : Fierce Face
Day Seven : Colorful Lips 
Day Eight : Outfit of the Day 
Day Nine: Funny Face 
Day Ten : Snack Face (You eating a snack, hello.)
Day Eleven : Bare Arms! (Shoulders in the sunshine, babe.)
Day Twelve : Full Body Pic 
Day Thirteen : Pajama Glam
Day Fourteen : Self Care Selfie (Show us something you do to treat yo self!)
Day Fifteen : Eyes!
Day Sixteen :  Big Smile :) 
Day Seventeen : Thunder Thighs 
Day Eighteen :  Sunshine Selfie
Day Nineteen : Your Favorite Feature
Day Twenty : Booty Day
Day Twenty One :  Hat Selfie
Day Twenty Two : Full Glam Face 
Day Twenty Three : You & Your Bae (Person, pet or pizza? Who’s the bae in your life?)
Day Twenty Four : Hobby Selfie (You doing your favorite just-for-fun activity!)
Day Twenty Five : Work Day Selfie
Day Twenty Six : Double Chin Win (Show off your cute double chin!)
Day Twenty Seven : Belly Roll Babe
Day Twenty Eight : Imperfection Perfection (Show us the beautiful parts of you that you’re still learning to love.)
Day Twenty Nine : My Happy Place (Where do you find peace and solace in your day to day life? Take us there!)
Day Thirty : I Love Myself Because… (Pick your favorite selfie ever and post it with a short paragraph about how awesome and wonderful you are! Congratulations! You made it all the way to the end!)

Did you know that I run a fat selfie appreciation blog? No? Well now is the perfect time to follow! I’ll be doing this 30 day challenge starting tomorrow, I hope you join me!

30 Days of Fat Selfies by Fatty Forever

So, in keeping with the challenge.... here I present my first #fatselfiechallenge picture.  

A Glimmer of Light

One week. That is how long I have been on the increased dose of my new pain meds. And how long I have been able to consistently work out. 5 days last week. 2 so far this week. It's definitely a step in the right direction, and I am cautiously optimistic. I have been nauseous the last 2 days, so it has been difficult to stay motivated, but I have. I have gotten up and moved my body regardless, and honestly it has felt GOOD! I am down about 2.5 pounds (a little more actually) and I am really hoping this hard work

Continues to pay off. I have also been tracking my calories and that has helped as well. A little less negativity and a little more confidence with every workout.

I do sometimes get the feeling that my husband tries to sabotage my efforts by bringing home "treats" for me. Especially when I have had a not so good day with my health. I'm not sure he does it intentionally, but sometimes it feels like it.

It's official: I'm fat.

I have been through so much over the last 3 1/2 years, and you would think I would have figured out how to get a handle on my self-loathing. But I haven't. 

I have Arnold-Chiari Malformation Type I, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Degenerative Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia, Spondylosis, Arthritis in my back and neck, probably Ehlers-Danlos Type 3, and possibly Cranio-Cervical instability. 

You would think that would be enough to make me second guess my body's intentions on this grand old planet, but - No; hell I have so many freaking "conditions" (let's be real here, I have ISSUES) I can't even keep track of them all. Thanks to the constant pain and the meds used to control it, compounded with the tendency to catch any bug that is floating around that the rest of my family may or may not have already suffered through and recovered from, that takes me DAYS longer (sometimes even weeks) to fully recover from, I am at my highest weight EVER. 

So, let's add to all of that the disgust and hatred I feel for myself when I go to try on clothes, or get on the damn scale, just to find I am a big, fat (literally) disappointment. I am at my lowest point. Even though I would say this is rock bottom, and I have nowhere else to go but up, I have NO idea how to get there. I've tried eating healthy, my weight doesn't change (unless you count that first big loss of water weight.) I try to work out (gently AND going hard) and because of the pain and POTS (my heart rate jumps up to around 120-150 bpm just going from sitting to standing) I just can't keep at it. Well... I mean, I could, but I would injure myself. 

I am beyond frustrated and utterly lost. I've tried ItWorks! (ItDoesn't!) and Medifast (let's get real, cardboard for  breakfast, lunch and snacks is NOT all that appetizing.) I'm not looking for a quick solution; I want HEALTH. I want my body to treat ME right. I rarely drink soda, my mainstay drinks are water and hot tea. I can eat 1200 calories a day or 2000 and still not gain or lose a freaking POUND! Nothing seems to make a difference. 

I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do anymore.